Cutting

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The kids run outside to play on the trampoline.  They could spend hours out there playing games.  However, if Leesy gets even the smallest scratch on her, she is whimpering and limping into the house for a band aid.

Unfortunately, what my kids do by accident, I do on purpose. I cut and mine is more than a little scratch.  It started out as a suicide attempt.  However, after some therapy and medication, I reined back my intentions.  Instead of trying to end my life, cutting became my coping mechanism.

If I am triggered, it’s usually by some form of rejection.  I am flooded with strong and furious emotions.  It’s my PTSD kicking in hard.  My first response is to cut.  Those endormphines flood my system with each cut and soon my system evens out.

Unfortunately, those “feel good,” endorphins are addictive.  I need more and more to feel “OK.”  Before I know it, I’ve broken glass and covered most of my body in more serious cuts.

Next is shame.  I don’t want anyone to know.  I don’t want anyone to see.  I avoid questions.  I wear long sleeves.  More often than not, the shame of cutting gets so intense that I deal with the emotions by cutting more.  Extremely counterproductive.

Somehow I have to stop.  More times than not, I’ve had to be hospitalized.  Lately though, I’ve exercised enough self control to use other coping strategies to break the ugly cycle of cutting.

I am choosing to hope.  There are better days ahead.

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It’s incredibly sad to see mental illness passed down to your children.  Recently, my 11 year old told me that he’d rather be dead than go to school.  He had friends over and spent about an hour crying over seemingly little nuances.

Fortunately, he is blessed with a couple of tender hearted boys as his friends.  Instead of making fun of him, they put their arms around him, listened to him and comforted him.

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It wasn’t too long before a smile once again lit up his face.

It’s a little like Easter.  First comes the devastation of the cross.  You can’t get much lower than killing God.   But just like Eli’s smile reappeared, God raised Christ from the dead.

Sometimes hope is coming.  We just have to wait for it.

Happy Easter!!!!

 

 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 Romans 8:24-25

What’s Wrong with Me? Part 4: Anxiety

Three out of four of my children have learning disabilities or anxiety.  They seem to go together.  My oldest, Abby, has severe anxiety, depression, and also, dyslexia.  Both boys have issues with anxiety.  Eli is almost traumatized to go to school because he is afraid he’ll accidentally do something wrong and get into trouble.  Isaiah has OCD.  He gets frustrated easily and ends up causing a lot of skirmishes over things that aren’t just right in his opinion.  He is also ADHD and dyslexic.   All of these issues cause a lot of stress and anxiety for everyone involved with their education and development as a child of God.

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Unfortunately, that amount of anxiety comes straight from me.  I feel guilty, sometimes.  I know how they feel.   I used to hide it (or at least I thought I did) but  actually I was just just stuffing in inside until It exploded in my face.

But what does that look like? What is wrong with me?  Anxiety, what have you done to me?

First of all, my anxiety overlaps with whats called Conversion Disorder.  Conversion Disorder is a neurological symptom that can only be explained by a specific psychological trigger and causes significant distress to the patient.  I’ve had tics in my neck, muscle spasms, seizures, feeling faint, and losing muscle tone and control.

Similar to conversion disorder,  Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome is caused by anxiety.  I would be so excited to go to a birthday party.   I would be perfectly healthy through the party.   However, the next morning I would wake up non stop puking.  It changed as I got older.   I quit throwing up so much and had many an upset stomach.  Then as an adult, it attacked me much harder.   I now also had intense abdominal pain.  I would cry out to God to just kill me because the pain was so awful.  The throwing up was continuous.  I would get a migraine, too. It was so awful that Mike had to call an ambulance on numerous occasions.  Finally, I was actually diagnosed with the Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome.  Medicine helped some but when I got put on Klonopin for  psychological reasons, the attacks are all but nonexistent. Finally some reprieve!

Social Anxiety follows me everywhere I go.  The problem is that I love people, love spending time with my friends, and would rather be around other people than alone.  That’s a little  bit of a problem for someone with social phobia.  Nothing more than talking to a friend, or especially a group of friends, will start up the panic – cotton mouth, can’t breath, shaking, stomach ache, paranoia, desire to escape or disappear.  My brain says one thing but my body does another.  These attacks are usually from social situations but I also have alot of general anxiety ……. like being late, kids being sick or a TV stand falling over.