Fighting Back

Dear Anxiety,

You used to rule my life.  But that’s not my story anymore.  Yes, you are stalking me around every corner.  You are ready to pounce at my every weakness.  However, I stand firm in the promises of Christ.  He has already won my battle.  I am victorious.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments of weakness.  When it gets tough, I rely on the tools God gave me.  I rely on my counselor, my husband, my sponsor, and my family from Celebrate Recovery.

I am constantly rewriting those thoughts and feelings that cloud my better judgment.  In fact, I’d like to share how I rewrite those thought that have run awry.  The words in bold are the words that can be repeated as a sort of formula retrain your brain.

Here is example

I feel rejected however the facts and evidence are that he has shown me me in many ways that he loves me – flowers, making dinner, standing by me when most people would have let the relationsip.  I feel this way because I have either been rejected or perceived rejection from a very young age.

Cutting

 

The kids run outside to play on the trampoline.  They could spend hours out there playing games.  However, if Leesy gets even the smallest scratch on her, she is whimpering and limping into the house for a band aid.

Unfortunately, what my kids do by accident, I do on purpose. I cut and mine is more than a little scratch.  It started out as a suicide attempt.  However, after some therapy and medication, I reined back my intentions.  Instead of trying to end my life, cutting became my coping mechanism.

If I am triggered, it’s usually by some form of rejection.  I am flooded with strong and furious emotions.  It’s my PTSD kicking in hard.  My first response is to cut.  Those endormphines flood my system with each cut and soon my system evens out.

Unfortunately, those “feel good,” endorphins are addictive.  I need more and more to feel “OK.”  Before I know it, I’ve broken glass and covered most of my body in more serious cuts.

Next is shame.  I don’t want anyone to know.  I don’t want anyone to see.  I avoid questions.  I wear long sleeves.  More often than not, the shame of cutting gets so intense that I deal with the emotions by cutting more.  Extremely counterproductive.

Somehow I have to stop.  More times than not, I’ve had to be hospitalized.  Lately though, I’ve exercised enough self control to use other coping strategies to break the ugly cycle of cutting.

I am choosing to hope.  There are better days ahead.

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It’s incredibly sad to see mental illness passed down to your children.  Recently, my 11 year old told me that he’d rather be dead than go to school.  He had friends over and spent about an hour crying over seemingly little nuances.

Fortunately, he is blessed with a couple of tender hearted boys as his friends.  Instead of making fun of him, they put their arms around him, listened to him and comforted him.

It wasn’t too long before a smile once again lit up his face.

It’s a little like Easter.  First comes the devastation of the cross.  You can’t get much lower than killing God.   But just like Eli’s smile reappeared, God raised Christ from the dead.

Sometimes hope is coming.  We just have to wait for it.

Happy Easter!!!!

 

 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 Romans 8:24-25

Humor

The cat goes flying down the hallway.   I have no idea what exactly spooked him.  However, we can’t help but laugh as he looses his footing and the back end of him slides towards his face.

Humor is a great distraction from cutting.  It’s difficult to be laughing and continue to feel that deep seeded hatred for myself that comes flying to the surface in the face of rejection or shame. 

That’s why laughter is at the top of my list as I make a safety plan that keeps me on the road to healing ran than self destruction.  

Here is a safety plan focused on humor:

1. Play with your animal.  Maybe put socks on  his feet and watch him freak out.
2. Watch funny animal video’s on you-tube.
3. Watch Chonda Peirce.  She is a Christian Comedian.  She also comes from a background of depression.
4. Tickle a kid.
5. Dump ice on your spouse in the shower.
6. Put toothpaste on your family members’ face. Wait for them to wake up and smear it.
7. Paint your husbands nails pink while he is sleeping.  Hide the nail polish remover.
8. Play “Jaws” on any instrument.
9. Splash in a pool.
10. Watch video’s of your kids when they were little.